High School's Expiration Date

Middle school daydreams didn't prepare me for this

Elementary ideals seem so nonsensical now

I was going to fall in love for the first time and I was going to have countless friends and I was going to kiss a boy in the rain at a football game like that one movie I saw that one time

These outdated thoughts, these relics, make me shudder

how wrong was I

I thought I'd at least have it all figured it

But there is no science to life, and high school is still just a part of life

its had exquisite highs and miserable lows and the mediocre in between

and now I'm counting down the seconds

How do I feel about that again?

Sad, Sad, Sad, Happy, Sad, Happy, Happy, Sad, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy

If you bottle up every last drop

it's become a solution with diluted sorrow and concentrated delight

I think I'm finally ready

I turned the faucet on a couple months ago

Because the dry crumbling wasteland inside me begged for an oasis

All those memories came in a foggy downpour

and I've learnt to smile at the raindrops trailing down my cheeks

Long corridors, compact hallways, rows of teal lockers hollow throughout

Floors marked with my footprints, air polluted by my lungs, walls stained with my blood

As a sophomore, I felt like a lab rat running circles through a tangled mess of classrooms and bends

At times I've felt as if the building had swallowed me whole 

Other days it felt like the walls were pressing in on each side and the oxygen levels couldn't sustain all of us at once

Dull classrooms, chairs attached to desks, back pains replacing growing pains, glances exchanged

Some teachers were fleeting and already fading, others will forever hold bits of my respect and recognition

Maybe I'll be a teacher one day

Or a musician, because my fingers love the way the strings resonate with the pounding in my ears

Or a therapist, because of all the transient visitors that rented out my heart

Or a writer, because of the day I discovered words are my first language

Now I have to think about these things

I'll miss that the most. Spontaneous, carefree, stupid, reckless, impulsive teenagers

It feels like I won't change 

But the side effects of graduating kicked in early and I've never had to take so many headache pills, I was afraid I'd develop an addiction

For years, I've obediently stumbled to places I should be, stayed quiet in class, kept my wild thoughts in their cage

But I slipped up when I got an exclusive tour of the principals office and I've been mildly deviating ever since

To the friends that have come and gone and the friends that never left and the friends I didn't think I had

I love you, you got me this far 

To my family, that at one point during high school was held together by a single thread

we're proof that you can tie the strings back together and the stitching is permanent this time

Now I'm caught speculating how to end this

This seemingly thick chapter of my life

I know when I throw my cap in the air, I'll be tossing away any grudges, any regrets, any lingering what ifs

Because when it comes down to it, high school still sucks, and moving on doesn't change that fixed fact

But amidst the angst and anguish and heartbreak and insecurities, there were instances where high school was somewhat wonderful. 

So... here's to infinite endings and infinite beginnings.

Thanks for listening.

okay, I'll just put a period now. 

. 

pinky promises

He took me to the playground with expectations
He took me to the playground and climbed the stairs

but I hesitated

I looked around at the sanctum of my youth
Nostalgia pricked my chest
and the familiarity stirred sedated memories
It all appeared precisely the same but simply
                                                                                                      felt
                                                                                                                  different

maybe I'm different

It's all distinct in my mind
I recall the thrill of being pushed down the slide
of being chased, being breathless, through a labyrinth of impediments
leaping, ducking, racing, slipping through the cracks
I remember swinging high enough to taste the clouds
of tricking gravity for an instant, hovering midair in the stratosphere
of falling back down
and constant undiluted, deranged laughter

maybe I'm delusional

but I couldn't discern the extraordinary when I was with Him
All I saw was an empty playground
A rusty structure designed to provide entertainment
no, we aren't kids anymore
but I'm still just a girl and He's still just a boy and

I still daydream

He took me to the playground and I was skeptical
of the way the swing set creaked when I used it
and of what He had buried in the sandbox
and whether it be wood chips or rubber or gravel or asphalt
I'm careful not to fall
because now the cuts are deeper and the band aids never did stick

I finally lost my grip on the monkey bars

because He was always seeking but I made sure He'd never find me

He took me to the playground and I left confused

You took me to the playground and it all made sense

Heartbeat maintenance

I don't think my heart would know how to keep consistently beating day after day without music. It serves as a metronome to my heart, and these songs are what keeps my blood pumping, my vessels intact, what plays through certain instances in my life. These songs say everything my heart can't, basically. Be sure to listen to a couple of these.

The Messenger- Linkin Park

This song is for those moments when you need to scream about everything and just purge your emotions- I highly recommend it every once in a while

On Melancholy Hill- Gorillaz

I listen to this when a good night is reluctantly coming to an end, and I'm driving along a long stretch of highway. Kind of sums everything up.

Look What You've Done- Jet

Every time I hear this song my heart throbs. This one is a tribute to sweltering summer days, salt stinging our eyes, lethal sunburns that set our skin on fire, and every other physical pain that makes the beach worth it. 

Baby I'm Yours- Arctic Monkeys

Obviously I had to put one love song in the mix. Not sure if this kind of dedication still exists, but I like to dream about it.

21 guns- Green Day

First song I loved by this band, and it's the kind of tune that motivates me to get up in the morning.



Violet Hill- Coldplay

The bridge of this song leaves me speechless. Really anything by Coldplay strikes the core.

Semi-Charmed Life- Third Eye Blind

These types of upbeat songs I usually run or play soccer to.

Misery Business- Paramore

When everything is working out (which of course is pretty rare), and you kinda just need to sing about it.

Smells Like Teen Spirit- Nirvana

Kickin it back to the 90's, this song themes my rebellion, whenever I make stupid decisions on my own accord, knowing the risk I'm taking because "I'm only a teenager once". Here's to climbing the roof of  LP, sneaking onto the catwalk, nearly getting suspended, sabotaging band performances, pulling pranks, skinny dipping, causing a ruckus, etc.

Missing You- All Time Low

This song triggers tears. I heard it after a recent suicide and it made everything a little brighter. If you ever even reconsider the value of your life, listen to this. 

Gold On The Ceiling- The Black Keys

We sang along to this on our way to prom. Try to resist doing air guitar to the chorus. I dare you.

Polaroid- Imagine Dragons

Can't hear this one enough. 

Northern Downpour- Panic! At The Disco

This is mud puddles and flooded pipes, broken umbrellas and sidewalk earth worms. Just your typical rainy weather song. 

Creepin Up The Backstairs- The Fratellis

Here's to sneaking out well past curfew...

Talk! - The 1975

When I get sick of listening to people, of interrogations and relentless conversation, and I'd rather be an introvert in the remedial silence of my bedroom.

Painting Flowers- All Time Low

Same band, completely different sound. I like to blast this song up in my attic past midnight while the world sleeps. It changes my perception of things, and inspires me.

Car Radio- Twenty One Pilots

Mhmm. Do I even need to explain this?

Drop The Game- Flume

This is too catchy, I'm obligated to put it on the list.

All These Things I've Done- The Killers

Okay, final song since it's getting late and this list is getting long. The lyrics to this get me every time. Got soul, but you're not a soldier? You should hear this. 

Those are just a few of my favorite songs, hope you like them

Blood on my hands

This story involves a cold-blooded killer.

That being me.

You have to understand, first and foremost, that I never meant to harm anything. I went into the day with innocent intentions, oblivious to the repercussions of my stupidity, and left with a surreal experience that still haunts me to this day. If you're actually going to read this, please erase any judgmental inclinations, and try to see things from my perspective.

Here we go.

Twas a sunny spring afternoon during the ninth grade, my final year of Timberline. I was hanging with my homies at the time at my friend's mansion in Alpine. At this point, we had wasted a few hours taking frequent trips to the kitchen, raiding her pantry for junk food, whilst observing the wonders of the Animalia Phylum Cordata.

Positioned in the middle of a round wood table on my friend's back porch was a hummingbird feeder. Like a shrine to nature, stunning hummingbirds of varying hues and iridescent feathers flocked fearlessly to the feeder and partook of it's nectar, zooming right past our heads without a second thought. Little did they know their thirst would come at a cost.

My friend then goes on to tell us about how she's tried to catch hummingbirds before. We seize the challenge immediately and hatch a plan, gathering all the supplies. It was a basic operation that consisted of setting up a cardboard box over the feeder, placing a stick underneath with a string tied to it, and sitting a distance away, dropping the box while they were distracted underneath.

Hummingbirds flap their wings fifty to two hundred times per second, and can fly up to 34 mph forward and backward. We were no match for this specimen, and it took an hour and a half for everyone to accept that. Well, everyone but me.

I was frustrated with the whole thing, becoming dangerously passionate in our cause. While everyone retreated inside to get popsicles, I stayed outside and continued the endeavor, holding the box instead and slamming it down with newfound aggression.

One parched hummingbird entered the trap, it's feathers a breathtaking mixture of vibrant blues and greens. It lingered at the feeder, and I waited until my instincts told me it was right, then let the box come crashing down. Inside, I heard it rustling about, indicating fleeting success. All at once, it became eerily silent.

"I think I caught-"

I stopped mid sentence when I saw what I had done.

This image is still vivid in my mind. As I lifted that box, I saw the hummingbird laying on the table, it's head moving rapidly side to side as it took it's last dying breaths. Somewhere in the process of capturing the bird, it had acquired fatal injuries, along with the crippling loss of it's left wing.

I wish I could say that I saved it somehow, had gently given it CPR and nursed it back to health, but that wouldn't be the truth. Reality was a bitter and unbearable thing that day, but reality told me that I had just killed a hummingbird. 

Naturally, I screamed bloody murder. My friends came running out and witnessed firsthand what I had done. I explained exactly what transpired, tears filling up in my eyes, and they comforted me best they could, the horror of the situation crackling in the air around us. We slipped the corpse into a box, gave it a proper burial in her backyard underneath a flowerbed, and agreed to never speak of it again.

I learned an important lesson that day about taking things too far, where to draw the line between desire and insanity, and how unfathomably precious life is. I hope sharing this story with you can serve as a release to the guilt I've harbored for all these years, and perhaps prevent you from doing anything similar to this... Make good choices guys. 

Let's get this over with

A circadian escape

My worn out sneakers hit the asphalt

and I sprint

what for, I don't always know, I just need to escape for a fragment of time

Music hammers through my head like a catastrophic sonar. It identifies the reasons why my legs insist on pushing forward. Submerged inside, the muddled basis of my actions are detected

I hear the screams of despairing souls, studying me with hollow eyes, picking out every flaw, every adjustment to be made

And I sprint

I hear my father shouting at the top of his lungs

to go to bed earlier and make school on time and do my chores and get up for church and stop making stupid decisions

I hear doors slammed and see the tears soaking through the carpet of those closed doors

and I sprint

from the future hot on my heels, grasping at the fabric of my shirt, taunting me to graduate from high school and settle somewhere and give up on my hopeless dreams

from a mundane metamorphosis into an adult, from taxes and routine and organized family gatherings

I envision myself years from now, my homeless heart still wandering across the highway in search of permanent residence, losing bits and pieces at each motel and 24- hour pit stop

and I sprint

I see death on my shoulder, at every street corner, in a puddle's reflection, painted across a thundering sky, disguised on a billboard, hovering by each stop sign

and I sprint

from every shipwreck scattered across the depth of my soul, from every unrecorded earthquake and every island of misfit toys

I'm out of breath.

inhale through my lips

exhale through my nose

stopping in the middle of nowhere, I collapse on the ground and let my brain seep out onto the asphalt, like a spilt bowl of alphabet soup

"It's over, It's too much, I can't take another minute of this" it spells 

my joints are weak, my knees are scraped, my eyes are blurry, my muscles are overworked, my throat is dry, my heart destitute

but eventually my heartbeat slows down and the song ends and my shoelaces are retied

with a familiar sigh, I heave myself up

and sprint back home.

This message will self destruct along with the author

I scramble down my thoughts and notions on a straight line

and rip out the page when my writing starts to curve

But as the hands on the clock tiptoe across the numbers

the fractures in the pen begin to crack open


it breaks and drenches my hand in ink

and I wash it away with my tears


but...



I fear one day I'll let it saturate my skin

give it permission to stain my veins and cast a shadow over my eyes

and the last drop will be used to mark the end.


I'm afraid to admit things, and I'm afraid to admit

that I'm putting myself through a paper shredder

and the valuable time I waste

brooding and harboring regret

will fill up my heart with poison

 and leak onto the ones I love before taking it's toll on me.


I'm scared of changing

Although it's an inevitable thing, human evolution

I'm afraid to grow into a stranger

I'm afraid the mask I wear will fuse into my skin

and that I'll have nothing left to disguise


I'm afraid I'll never accomplish anything

because the voices in my brain talked me out of it


If you ask

I'm afraid of peeling myself apart layer by layer

limb by limb

and that I'll be the one nailing my coffin shut from the inside


If you ask

my answer will be that

I'm not afraid of the monsters under my bed

I'm afraid of the monsters in my head