Scraps of the past

My head is constantly storming

My thoughts and ideas and memories bounce my head around like a jar full of butterflies and hornets and bumblebees all trying to crack the glass

The things that matter, the things that stick, aren't what most would consider important

I tend to toss out the hundred dollar bills and keep the rusty old pennies

Memories come and go like flashes of a headlight through drawn blinds

When I think of my childhood, I don't get a neat array of significant instances of learning and growth

I receive a tangled mess of moments that for some reason I choose to remember

I see myself riding my bicycle on a bumpy dirt course and some neighbor boys detonating a soda bottle bomb on the trail

I recall my brother spitting out poison onto the cement floor, hysteria, and flashing lights

I think of the many nights we crept out of our house to watch a wolf spider quietly construct it's web 

I can still envision distinct dreams, including my worst occurring nightmares I can't even repeat aloud

I think of digging that junky wooden crate out of the sand and using it as a raft to sail across the seven seas

I cringe picturing how I had scooped up a garter snake with a shovel and tossed it over the fence into someone else's backyard

I remember transforming our ping pong table into an alien spaceship and cutting open stuffed animals as certified veterinarians 

And I remember a whole bunch of other scraps of the past, but they're all so jumbled and incoherent

The only thing I could really tell you about my childhood is that it was so much lighter

I don't remember the day I began caring about what other people thought of me

I don't remember the exact moment I felt like my accomplishments didn't matter
Or the day I doubted that there was a supreme being or a purpose to anything

Can't think of the last time I looked in the mirror and accepted my reflection for what it is
Or the last time my parents told each other they loved each other, much less showed it

Honestly, there's a lot of things I wish I could remember, but I just can't

It feels like these past few years have been washed over with a dull shade of grey
and instead of living in brightness, I'm always craving a speck of it to hold on to

I wonder when I got like this... when I started remembering memories


and wanting to go back.