High School's Expiration Date

Middle school daydreams didn't prepare me for this

Elementary ideals seem so nonsensical now

I was going to fall in love for the first time and I was going to have countless friends and I was going to kiss a boy in the rain at a football game like that one movie I saw that one time

These outdated thoughts, these relics, make me shudder

how wrong was I

I thought I'd at least have it all figured it

But there is no science to life, and high school is still just a part of life

its had exquisite highs and miserable lows and the mediocre in between

and now I'm counting down the seconds

How do I feel about that again?

Sad, Sad, Sad, Happy, Sad, Happy, Happy, Sad, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy

If you bottle up every last drop

it's become a solution with diluted sorrow and concentrated delight

I think I'm finally ready

I turned the faucet on a couple months ago

Because the dry crumbling wasteland inside me begged for an oasis

All those memories came in a foggy downpour

and I've learnt to smile at the raindrops trailing down my cheeks

Long corridors, compact hallways, rows of teal lockers hollow throughout

Floors marked with my footprints, air polluted by my lungs, walls stained with my blood

As a sophomore, I felt like a lab rat running circles through a tangled mess of classrooms and bends

At times I've felt as if the building had swallowed me whole 

Other days it felt like the walls were pressing in on each side and the oxygen levels couldn't sustain all of us at once

Dull classrooms, chairs attached to desks, back pains replacing growing pains, glances exchanged

Some teachers were fleeting and already fading, others will forever hold bits of my respect and recognition

Maybe I'll be a teacher one day

Or a musician, because my fingers love the way the strings resonate with the pounding in my ears

Or a therapist, because of all the transient visitors that rented out my heart

Or a writer, because of the day I discovered words are my first language

Now I have to think about these things

I'll miss that the most. Spontaneous, carefree, stupid, reckless, impulsive teenagers

It feels like I won't change 

But the side effects of graduating kicked in early and I've never had to take so many headache pills, I was afraid I'd develop an addiction

For years, I've obediently stumbled to places I should be, stayed quiet in class, kept my wild thoughts in their cage

But I slipped up when I got an exclusive tour of the principals office and I've been mildly deviating ever since

To the friends that have come and gone and the friends that never left and the friends I didn't think I had

I love you, you got me this far 

To my family, that at one point during high school was held together by a single thread

we're proof that you can tie the strings back together and the stitching is permanent this time

Now I'm caught speculating how to end this

This seemingly thick chapter of my life

I know when I throw my cap in the air, I'll be tossing away any grudges, any regrets, any lingering what ifs

Because when it comes down to it, high school still sucks, and moving on doesn't change that fixed fact

But amidst the angst and anguish and heartbreak and insecurities, there were instances where high school was somewhat wonderful. 

So... here's to infinite endings and infinite beginnings.

Thanks for listening.

okay, I'll just put a period now. 

. 

pinky promises

He took me to the playground with expectations
He took me to the playground and climbed the stairs

but I hesitated

I looked around at the sanctum of my youth
Nostalgia pricked my chest
and the familiarity stirred sedated memories
It all appeared precisely the same but simply
                                                                                                      felt
                                                                                                                  different

maybe I'm different

It's all distinct in my mind
I recall the thrill of being pushed down the slide
of being chased, being breathless, through a labyrinth of impediments
leaping, ducking, racing, slipping through the cracks
I remember swinging high enough to taste the clouds
of tricking gravity for an instant, hovering midair in the stratosphere
of falling back down
and constant undiluted, deranged laughter

maybe I'm delusional

but I couldn't discern the extraordinary when I was with Him
All I saw was an empty playground
A rusty structure designed to provide entertainment
no, we aren't kids anymore
but I'm still just a girl and He's still just a boy and

I still daydream

He took me to the playground and I was skeptical
of the way the swing set creaked when I used it
and of what He had buried in the sandbox
and whether it be wood chips or rubber or gravel or asphalt
I'm careful not to fall
because now the cuts are deeper and the band aids never did stick

I finally lost my grip on the monkey bars

because He was always seeking but I made sure He'd never find me

He took me to the playground and I left confused

You took me to the playground and it all made sense

Heartbeat maintenance

I don't think my heart would know how to keep consistently beating day after day without music. It serves as a metronome to my heart, and these songs are what keeps my blood pumping, my vessels intact, what plays through certain instances in my life. These songs say everything my heart can't, basically. Be sure to listen to a couple of these.

The Messenger- Linkin Park

This song is for those moments when you need to scream about everything and just purge your emotions- I highly recommend it every once in a while

On Melancholy Hill- Gorillaz

I listen to this when a good night is reluctantly coming to an end, and I'm driving along a long stretch of highway. Kind of sums everything up.

Look What You've Done- Jet

Every time I hear this song my heart throbs. This one is a tribute to sweltering summer days, salt stinging our eyes, lethal sunburns that set our skin on fire, and every other physical pain that makes the beach worth it. 

Baby I'm Yours- Arctic Monkeys

Obviously I had to put one love song in the mix. Not sure if this kind of dedication still exists, but I like to dream about it.

21 guns- Green Day

First song I loved by this band, and it's the kind of tune that motivates me to get up in the morning.



Violet Hill- Coldplay

The bridge of this song leaves me speechless. Really anything by Coldplay strikes the core.

Semi-Charmed Life- Third Eye Blind

These types of upbeat songs I usually run or play soccer to.

Misery Business- Paramore

When everything is working out (which of course is pretty rare), and you kinda just need to sing about it.

Smells Like Teen Spirit- Nirvana

Kickin it back to the 90's, this song themes my rebellion, whenever I make stupid decisions on my own accord, knowing the risk I'm taking because "I'm only a teenager once". Here's to climbing the roof of  LP, sneaking onto the catwalk, nearly getting suspended, sabotaging band performances, pulling pranks, skinny dipping, causing a ruckus, etc.

Missing You- All Time Low

This song triggers tears. I heard it after a recent suicide and it made everything a little brighter. If you ever even reconsider the value of your life, listen to this. 

Gold On The Ceiling- The Black Keys

We sang along to this on our way to prom. Try to resist doing air guitar to the chorus. I dare you.

Polaroid- Imagine Dragons

Can't hear this one enough. 

Northern Downpour- Panic! At The Disco

This is mud puddles and flooded pipes, broken umbrellas and sidewalk earth worms. Just your typical rainy weather song. 

Creepin Up The Backstairs- The Fratellis

Here's to sneaking out well past curfew...

Talk! - The 1975

When I get sick of listening to people, of interrogations and relentless conversation, and I'd rather be an introvert in the remedial silence of my bedroom.

Painting Flowers- All Time Low

Same band, completely different sound. I like to blast this song up in my attic past midnight while the world sleeps. It changes my perception of things, and inspires me.

Car Radio- Twenty One Pilots

Mhmm. Do I even need to explain this?

Drop The Game- Flume

This is too catchy, I'm obligated to put it on the list.

All These Things I've Done- The Killers

Okay, final song since it's getting late and this list is getting long. The lyrics to this get me every time. Got soul, but you're not a soldier? You should hear this. 

Those are just a few of my favorite songs, hope you like them

Blood on my hands

This story involves a cold-blooded killer.

That being me.

You have to understand, first and foremost, that I never meant to harm anything. I went into the day with innocent intentions, oblivious to the repercussions of my stupidity, and left with a surreal experience that still haunts me to this day. If you're actually going to read this, please erase any judgmental inclinations, and try to see things from my perspective.

Here we go.

Twas a sunny spring afternoon during the ninth grade, my final year of Timberline. I was hanging with my homies at the time at my friend's mansion in Alpine. At this point, we had wasted a few hours taking frequent trips to the kitchen, raiding her pantry for junk food, whilst observing the wonders of the Animalia Phylum Cordata.

Positioned in the middle of a round wood table on my friend's back porch was a hummingbird feeder. Like a shrine to nature, stunning hummingbirds of varying hues and iridescent feathers flocked fearlessly to the feeder and partook of it's nectar, zooming right past our heads without a second thought. Little did they know their thirst would come at a cost.

My friend then goes on to tell us about how she's tried to catch hummingbirds before. We seize the challenge immediately and hatch a plan, gathering all the supplies. It was a basic operation that consisted of setting up a cardboard box over the feeder, placing a stick underneath with a string tied to it, and sitting a distance away, dropping the box while they were distracted underneath.

Hummingbirds flap their wings fifty to two hundred times per second, and can fly up to 34 mph forward and backward. We were no match for this specimen, and it took an hour and a half for everyone to accept that. Well, everyone but me.

I was frustrated with the whole thing, becoming dangerously passionate in our cause. While everyone retreated inside to get popsicles, I stayed outside and continued the endeavor, holding the box instead and slamming it down with newfound aggression.

One parched hummingbird entered the trap, it's feathers a breathtaking mixture of vibrant blues and greens. It lingered at the feeder, and I waited until my instincts told me it was right, then let the box come crashing down. Inside, I heard it rustling about, indicating fleeting success. All at once, it became eerily silent.

"I think I caught-"

I stopped mid sentence when I saw what I had done.

This image is still vivid in my mind. As I lifted that box, I saw the hummingbird laying on the table, it's head moving rapidly side to side as it took it's last dying breaths. Somewhere in the process of capturing the bird, it had acquired fatal injuries, along with the crippling loss of it's left wing.

I wish I could say that I saved it somehow, had gently given it CPR and nursed it back to health, but that wouldn't be the truth. Reality was a bitter and unbearable thing that day, but reality told me that I had just killed a hummingbird. 

Naturally, I screamed bloody murder. My friends came running out and witnessed firsthand what I had done. I explained exactly what transpired, tears filling up in my eyes, and they comforted me best they could, the horror of the situation crackling in the air around us. We slipped the corpse into a box, gave it a proper burial in her backyard underneath a flowerbed, and agreed to never speak of it again.

I learned an important lesson that day about taking things too far, where to draw the line between desire and insanity, and how unfathomably precious life is. I hope sharing this story with you can serve as a release to the guilt I've harbored for all these years, and perhaps prevent you from doing anything similar to this... Make good choices guys. 

Let's get this over with

A circadian escape

My worn out sneakers hit the asphalt

and I sprint

what for, I don't always know, I just need to escape for a fragment of time

Music hammers through my head like a catastrophic sonar. It identifies the reasons why my legs insist on pushing forward. Submerged inside, the muddled basis of my actions are detected

I hear the screams of despairing souls, studying me with hollow eyes, picking out every flaw, every adjustment to be made

And I sprint

I hear my father shouting at the top of his lungs

to go to bed earlier and make school on time and do my chores and get up for church and stop making stupid decisions

I hear doors slammed and see the tears soaking through the carpet of those closed doors

and I sprint

from the future hot on my heels, grasping at the fabric of my shirt, taunting me to graduate from high school and settle somewhere and give up on my hopeless dreams

from a mundane metamorphosis into an adult, from taxes and routine and organized family gatherings

I envision myself years from now, my homeless heart still wandering across the highway in search of permanent residence, losing bits and pieces at each motel and 24- hour pit stop

and I sprint

I see death on my shoulder, at every street corner, in a puddle's reflection, painted across a thundering sky, disguised on a billboard, hovering by each stop sign

and I sprint

from every shipwreck scattered across the depth of my soul, from every unrecorded earthquake and every island of misfit toys

I'm out of breath.

inhale through my lips

exhale through my nose

stopping in the middle of nowhere, I collapse on the ground and let my brain seep out onto the asphalt, like a spilt bowl of alphabet soup

"It's over, It's too much, I can't take another minute of this" it spells 

my joints are weak, my knees are scraped, my eyes are blurry, my muscles are overworked, my throat is dry, my heart destitute

but eventually my heartbeat slows down and the song ends and my shoelaces are retied

with a familiar sigh, I heave myself up

and sprint back home.

This message will self destruct along with the author

I scramble down my thoughts and notions on a straight line

and rip out the page when my writing starts to curve

But as the hands on the clock tiptoe across the numbers

the fractures in the pen begin to crack open


it breaks and drenches my hand in ink

and I wash it away with my tears


but...



I fear one day I'll let it saturate my skin

give it permission to stain my veins and cast a shadow over my eyes

and the last drop will be used to mark the end.


I'm afraid to admit things, and I'm afraid to admit

that I'm putting myself through a paper shredder

and the valuable time I waste

brooding and harboring regret

will fill up my heart with poison

 and leak onto the ones I love before taking it's toll on me.


I'm scared of changing

Although it's an inevitable thing, human evolution

I'm afraid to grow into a stranger

I'm afraid the mask I wear will fuse into my skin

and that I'll have nothing left to disguise


I'm afraid I'll never accomplish anything

because the voices in my brain talked me out of it


If you ask

I'm afraid of peeling myself apart layer by layer

limb by limb

and that I'll be the one nailing my coffin shut from the inside


If you ask

my answer will be that

I'm not afraid of the monsters under my bed

I'm afraid of the monsters in my head

Society's newest release: Model 2K1x6x

PLEASE READ BEFORE PROCEEDING TO THE OPERATING ROOM

Hello, and thank you for purchasing this informative guide to model 2K1x6x

As you can see, we've made some substantial alterations to the genetic makeup of an average human being. Through a series of tests, we've noted that the modifications made can be painful for the patient, and they will be treated with anesthesia during the operation as well as prescribed analgesics according to their resulting condition to combat any lingering effects. For more information, read below:


We've designed this newest version of human to have a flawless exterior. The process of skin grafting, or Dermabrasion, will permanently remove any scar tissue or blemishes that are visible on the surface, and will also discard imperfect layers of skin to develop a smooth, spotless outer layer. This model also contains facial reconstruction, and offers a variety of feature layouts that have proven to increase aesthetics and attraction (flip to the next page to choose a style).

In addition to this, we've also found that bones, though necessary to the structure of the human anatomy, can still be fractured or broken. To fix this imperfection, we have infused the bone marrow with titanium because of it's light weight and durability. By including this, we are confident it will prevent, if not terminate, all types of skeletal injury.

According to studies, parts of the limbic system, including the hypothalamus, amygdala, and the hippocampus, govern emotions. In the surgery, we install a regulatory system with microscopic wires that weave throughout the brain cells, controlling which stimuli affects the limbic system. This component will essentially eliminate negative emotions such as fear, sadness, anxiety, etc. It will also regulate fluctuating levels of dopamine, keeping the body in a steady state of happiness.

Another element to the model 2K1x6x is the enhancing of brain activity/ thought process. During the procedure, certain parts of the brain's right hemisphere is nullified, which will simultaneously intensify logic and order in the brain, while diminishing confusing and disorienting thoughts and questions. We will also program actions into the brain, which will make everyday motions and conversation come naturally, and reduce any irregular or spastic actions that could interrupt daily routine.

An immense problem that has become increasingly destructive to humankind has been our ability to love. It is the leading source of depression, and can instigate humans to do unpredictable and potentially dangerous things. In conclusion, the final step will be the removal of the heart. The muscular organ will be replaced with a similar motor that will perform the operations of the circulatory system and pump blood throughout the body. After all traces of the heart are completely gone and replaced with our newest technology, we can finally rid society of it's most potent plague, and strive towards obtaining a perfect world, a utopia, in which every human being will be liberated from suffering, and lead chronically happy, painless lives.


AFTER COMPLETING THE REST OF THIS PACKET, PLEASE PROCEED TO THE OPERATING ROOM TO BEGIN SURGERY.

Here's a little song I wrote

These are lyrics to a song I wrote a while ago, and if you survive this entire thing, there's a recording of the song at the end (listen with earphones for best sound quality). It's a little choppy and impromptu but I hope you enjoy it!

But they might have been right

Every statement of love

Keep it from splintering

Crystal waters

We're anchoring, dragging each other down

It's time to let the wind

https://youtu.be/gXAZ92UhFvU

Scraps of the past

My head is constantly storming

My thoughts and ideas and memories bounce my head around like a jar full of butterflies and hornets and bumblebees all trying to crack the glass

The things that matter, the things that stick, aren't what most would consider important

I tend to toss out the hundred dollar bills and keep the rusty old pennies

Memories come and go like flashes of a headlight through drawn blinds

When I think of my childhood, I don't get a neat array of significant instances of learning and growth

I receive a tangled mess of moments that for some reason I choose to remember

I see myself riding my bicycle on a bumpy dirt course and some neighbor boys detonating a soda bottle bomb on the trail

I recall my brother spitting out poison onto the cement floor, hysteria, and flashing lights

I think of the many nights we crept out of our house to watch a wolf spider quietly construct it's web 

I can still envision distinct dreams, including my worst occurring nightmares I can't even repeat aloud

I think of digging that junky wooden crate out of the sand and using it as a raft to sail across the seven seas

I cringe picturing how I had scooped up a garter snake with a shovel and tossed it over the fence into someone else's backyard

I remember transforming our ping pong table into an alien spaceship and cutting open stuffed animals as certified veterinarians 

And I remember a whole bunch of other scraps of the past, but they're all so jumbled and incoherent

The only thing I could really tell you about my childhood is that it was so much lighter

I don't remember the day I began caring about what other people thought of me

I don't remember the exact moment I felt like my accomplishments didn't matter
Or the day I doubted that there was a supreme being or a purpose to anything

Can't think of the last time I looked in the mirror and accepted my reflection for what it is
Or the last time my parents told each other they loved each other, much less showed it

Honestly, there's a lot of things I wish I could remember, but I just can't

It feels like these past few years have been washed over with a dull shade of grey
and instead of living in brightness, I'm always craving a speck of it to hold on to

I wonder when I got like this... when I started remembering memories


and wanting to go back.

"Most people don't care if you're telling the truth or telling a lie, as long as they're entertained by it."
-Tom Waits

Pandemonium

yesterday I noticed something I shouldn't have

You try to cover it up, but sooner or later someone will notice

I was that person

now I'm torn between how to react


the most prevalent, uncomplicated course of action would be to ignore it

it's their business what they do to themselves

"you can't control their actions, you can't change them" they say


He seems impossibly content and his smile never wavers

But this boy is bleeding

this young, rare, beautiful soul is suffering and i'm not supposed to say anything


it's not his fault he was born into a world that destroys you from the inside out

warping our self-perception and starving our hearts of love and acceptance

we are all victims of vindictive thoughts and absurd ideals

we are our worst critics, bred by our toxic surroundings



how do I express affection in a glacial society

how do I justify the tears I shed last night over a stranger



if you're lost, please hold on to me, for I am too

but maybe together we'd break through the surface of this heavy darkness

maybe we could find some light filtering through the abyss


I wish I could understand why you gave yourself those scars

I wish we could discuss it openly like we discuss authentic horror movies

because this is the worst one I've seen so far, and it's not scripted

someone tell me

why do the best people experience the worst kind of pain?

Before you glue me down

I'm the shade of a murky russet mud puddle.

I have sharp edges that have been weathered down to curves, and a rough exterior that gets more jagged the longer I survive.

I've cracked repeatedly from all the times I've been thrown or stepped on, chipped from the ways I've been tossed and piled, but I haven't been broken. 

I'm still one sloppy slab of clay and shale.

But why do you insist on stacking me with all the others? Can't you see I'm more than that?

I don't want to be cemented to this wall, stuck in this crevice where I am weighed down and applied pressure from all angles, forever sentenced to a state of structure and immobility.

Please, dear builder- before you slather me in paste and make this spot my permanent residence, consider what I want.

I want to weigh down your paper as you sketch the Colosseum. I want you to take me everywhere and use me to support your growing supply of books and journals. I want you to take me camping and let me border your fire pit, or pin down the edges of your tent. I want to be tucked under your tire as you park your car on Filbert street.  I want your umbrella to lean on me while you build sandcastles and catch crabs on the coast of Australia. I want to secure your fishing rod while you bask along the San Francisco boardwalk.

I want you to paint me when you're happy and break me when your angry. I want you to piece me back together.

And when you're finally through with me, I want you to scream and hurl me into the pacific, where I'll discover the bottom of the ocean and rest along the sand as the saltwater digs through my cracks and breaks me down into sediments, or wash up on the shore hundreds of years from now as a remnant of a long lost world.

Please, don't imprison me here. Because I have more purpose out there than I ever will here.

A Eulogy To Past Friendships

#1- We broke crayons together. Scribbled on the walls and smeared finger paint on every empty canvas. A day with you meant hide and seek. Gourmet mud cakes. Sticky Popsicle hands and vibrant tongues. We'd scream and throw tantrums and scrape up our knees and catch each other in butterfly nets. I don't remember your name, but I know back then, things were simpler. If we were trapped in the same room together, we were best friends. Period.

#2- It was just a serendipitous instance of laughter that drew us together, and we never stopped laughing after that. You were the best friend anyone could ask for. When I think of you, I reminisce surgically manufactured four leaf clovers. Raiding your pantry for sweets. Static lightning in our hair from your trampoline. Performing raps about early american settlements and The Battle of the Alamo, Yo.  Half court shots in basketball games. You were impossibly kind and loyal and always armed with a smile. I still regret drifting apart.

#3-You were contrary to anyone I'd ever met, and you perceived things in a way no one could. With you, my imagination ran through fields of daisies and over snow capped mountains and through poisonous jungles. Every day was a fantastical journey through the dimension of our collaborating minds. Summers were when our friendship thrived, the time to whip up smoothie supernovas and innovatively sell lemonade and rescue each other from the dungeon of some dark hooded figure who planned on extracting our rare powers of levitation. We were peas in a pod, you and I, although, no matter how many episodes I sat through, suffered through, or slept through, I never did get into anime.

#4- The first word that pops into my head is wild. Who knows how we became friends in the first place, but it was kind of the classic setup. Outgoing spontaneous free spirit paired with a shy quirky oddball. Introducing gossip, first crushes, contrasting opinions, trespassing, drama, and competition. I liked it when you took control, admired you for it. You had a contagious laugh and a charming character. Every day you conquered the stage while I settled with the role of ensemble. It really didn't come as a surprise when you replaced me for the "popular" crowd. I was never cut out to be an actor.

#5- Middle school. Ugh. After a nearly friendless void known as seventh grade, I met you in creative writing, and we bonded over story prompts and critiquing our works and my obsession of creating bone-chilling horror stories with a sickening plot twist at the end. You were calm and collected, but found humor in little things and were marvelous in your own way. Being around you brought out the psychotic weirdo in me, the one that cracks jokes left and right and welcomes a healthy quantity of embarrassment. Without you, I probably wouldn't be the same person I am today.

#6- This is where I learned how to be "cool". (I'm afraid this line isn't very accurate. I mean, have you met me? Yeah, no) You always had your crew surrounding you and a reputation to uphold. A description that would do you justice would have to be bold, daring, funny, assertive, witty, and just plain primo with a touch of rebellion. As we grew closer and started hanging out regularly, we did the outrageous and unthinkable, and made so many unforgettable memories. My fair weather friend, we always had fun- you weren't one to display any weakness or grim emotion, and looking back, I used to have a perpetual desire to prove myself around you, which is the one thing I don't miss.

#7- I didn't want to be friends at the time. We didn't associate even though you lived right around the block, and I wanted to keep it that way. Of course, the mothers stepped in and practically set up a play date for their two teenagers. I whined and complained and resisted, but the instant we were together, things just clicked. It was like the universe wanted it to be, and we've never stopped being there for each other since. You're someone I have no boundaries with, someone I tell all my secrets to, someone who shares the same passion for music and someone who has a mutual understanding for me as I do for them. Cheers to all the crazy times we've had- skinny dipping at Huntington, admiring meteor showers in the same sleeping bag, writing stories together, sugar-induced comatose, meditation, concerts and band practice, crashing stake dances, intellectual cabin talk, graveyards and late night horror films, coping with high school drama- and cheers to the good times to come! Sometimes you forget how extraordinary you really are. Just remember, if you are reading this, that no matter what happens, I've got your back, and with the years that will pass us by, as we change and age and grow and drift towards different directions, our paths will always be drawn back to each other.

#8- No matter what I say about you, it will always be too little. I apologize in advance for being so vague. There's no way we will ever be apart- that's right, you're stuck with me. Living without you in my life isn't a possibility; I wouldn't be able to go on. I know more about you than you probably do. You're so weird and wonderful and smart and so many more things I couldn't possibly attempt to squeeze in here. I'm not going to say any more than that.

#9- I spend every living, breathing moment with you. You live inside me, and the more alone I am, the more you pour out of me. We share every heartbreak, think the same thoughts, produce every tear, value every accomplishment, love all the same people, and experience every moment of pure joy. I hope you don't change too much, because I really do like you the way you are, and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that.

#10- ....Hey there. So.... yeah. If you made it through this entire lengthy post, kudos to you. I'm sure this has been an extreme trial of your mental endurance, and for that I am very impressed. You must think that I go through friends like one goes through tennis shoes, and I can assure you that isn't true. I apologize to all of the many individuals I left out, and my perhaps brutal honesty of each friendship. I learned so much from these people, and they've all had an irreversible impact on my character. I've been extremely fortunate to have had them in my life. Now, the reason you're number ten is because I want you to be my friend. We can be acquaintances, friends for a couple days, friends for a season, or friends until death do we part, or past that- it's up to you. But I promise I'd accept you for who you are, just talk to me. We may be absolute strangers right now, but that's how every friendship starts out, so.... let's change that.

Comfortably detached

He is a name everyone's heard and no one criticizes

His "flaws" are numerous, yet they make him distinct and refreshingly original

Every time we spoke, my words never came out quite right, and I'd stutter or say the next stupid thing my brain strung together in attempt to make him smile

Whenever I'd succeed, my world would blaze in technicolor, and I'd wish the vinyl of time would get stuck in repeat so I could witness that smile over and over again

I wonder if our friendship was mandatory, and the plans we made were similiar to the way you promise to fix that creaky door hinge when you have spare time

He's better than summer sprints at the break of dawn, than midnight bike rides along an empty highway

Being around him was like being on Mercury, in a euphoric orbit around the sun

But now he's gone. 

I knew I'd regret the barrier I put up, I knew I'd become infuriated with how stubbornly shy I was, I knew I'd miss the way he told me I was his favorite, and I knew I'd wish I'd been more bold and pretended to be something I'm evidently not.

I knew I'd miss him...

...But I also knew I'd move on


Because that's how I am. I like to keep a watchful distance, comfortably detached. I insulate my feelings and avoid the vulnerability of being unguarded and uncircumspect. I try not to care too much because I know if I do I won't be able to stop. I'm all battered and worn in like a baseball glove, but I've never busted the seams. I'll take the bruises, I'll take the cracks and dents and dings. Cause truth is, I'd rather be crushed than shattered.


I know it's guaranteed to happen sooner or later, and whenever that may be, tomorrow or a month or a year or a decade from now, I can only hope it's worth it, and I don't use that infamous eight lettered phrase until I actually mean it.

Another Stupid Story

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls" -George Carlin

There was once a boy

His eyes were bright like the sun, he had a smile of opulent gold

His soul was warm and full, he had never known the cold

Everywhere he went, he dispersed a blinding light

People were drawn to his splendor, he was a rare & radiant sight

There was once a girl

Her skin was pale, her hair dark, her eyes were glazed with wonder

She preferred the darkness, existed in the shadows, enjoyed the rain and thunder

She didn't try to gain attention, popularity, prestige, or acceptance

She was shy, she was different, she was a glimmer of light that held a quiet transcendence

Among all that he met, she was unusual and offbeat

Instead of being blinded, she reflected a silvery beam- quiet, soft, discreet

He was intrigued by her obscurity, and travelled across the sky

Hoping to catch a glimpse of the girl with a flicker in her eye

They collided, and as the story goes, things were never quite the same

From her the boy met darkness, from him the girl gathered embers from the flame

And together they made the stars.

One Massive Masquerade

Here we go-

stretch out your muscles, pin back your hair, rehearse your routine, 

step into society's spotlight

It's time to participate in this daily dance

a graceful deception of our imperfect souls 

to only showcase what the audience will clap for

               or notice

               notice

how you'll hold back laughter if others stay silent

how people will criticize the misunderstood while actually consoling their own insecurities

how one girl eats alone everyday and you'll just assume it's not your problem to fix

how revealing an exclusive part of you causes them to walk away

how when tragedy strikes their sympathy feels transparent

how some people won't eat in public due to some strange new trend

how you bite your tongue and replace an opinion with a nod

how a greeting will never run deeper than "how are you" and "I'm good"

how the word love is tossed around but rarely permanent

how that boy wears a hat to shade his forged smile

how you'll fly through the motions and forget that you're the pilot


...have you noticed yet?


when it all just feels off

and your subconscious has a funny feeling, like the dawn of a calamity, when the waves recede from the shore or when tiny tremors shake the earth and the birds flee to the atmosphere

If you squint at the distorted image laid before you, it'll start to unravel

this is where you decide to stitch it back together or to rip it apart at the seams

continue this exhausting dance, or take a bow?

because when you're real, you're going to discover real people, and that's when you'll form real relationships and have real conversations and seize the chance to really live

don't hide your flaws, because being human is what we're good at. we are all remarkably shallow and incomprehensibly deep at the same time-

don't aim for perfection, because that's something no one achieves until they stop aiming for it



so this is me.

I'll laugh until I snort--- stay loyal to the people I care about--- love and never stop loving--- reach out to the castaways and pull them in--- eat what I crave and with no manners whatsoever--- voice my opinion when I want to be heard--- and try my best to make every day a little strange and a little unorthodox and a little extraordinary.

Writing A Riptide

As soon as I go to write an intro, it's like all these ideas blossom out of nowhere and I can't hurriedly pick any of them, or else they'll wilt without being appreciated first. 

Naturally, I don't reveal my true self to someone until I fully trust them, and first impressions are just a facade of how you want to appear to someone, so I will not be writing about myself quite yet. Instead, I'd like to write something relatively poetic about my objective for this class.

Riptide=a potentially dangerous water current

This semester, my goal is to write a riptide.

Something that's going to suck you in, and pull you out to sea

Drown you in the infinity

Force you to think and contemplate and wonder

I want you to sink         the surface

                                      below

Embrace the water that fills your lungs and steals your breath away

Dragging you out into a sea of  speculation

That's my One  stipulation

There's my attempt at a poem, and I dunno how I'll accomplish this, but I know you will :)